sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The struggles of a small town man whore
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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