Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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