You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
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i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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