saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
someone owes me an orgasm
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Randomize
