So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
