omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
