Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
