your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
