life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Vodka?
Forever.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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