I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
