it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
