So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
