my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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