Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My cat gives me a boner
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize