Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
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when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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