This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
