You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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