??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
