She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
