Don't make out with my wife yet
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I touched a dick in church today
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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