I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
