haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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