OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
