I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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