I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
