life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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