she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
