he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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