My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
