I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
