I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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