How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
