I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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