hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
