Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
