i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
