Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
