I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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