Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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