Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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