Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Those nachos came to me in a dream
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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