You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
