why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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