well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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