I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
