Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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