Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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