Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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