Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
