she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
