drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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