im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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