She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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