guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
