1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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