she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
