Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
PS: I just woke up from my shower
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
