Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
false alarm, still single
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
