Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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